My First

Now just because this is titled "My First" doesn't mean it's about loosing my virginity. No one needs to here that story trust me. This is about my first proper boyfriend Jamie.
As a twenty year old I am willing to admit that I find it a little pathetic that I have never ever, and I mean never ever had a boyfriend before. Not one that lasted a few weeks, days, hours or minutes. Jamie was well and truly my first. And I am so happy it was him and no other. But so sad that he's now gone and a part of somebody else life instead.
We met at a time when I had completely lost my self confidence, I would be lying if I did not say it was him who gave it back to me. This was a stage where I was completely aware of every single fault I had with my appearance whether it be a large one or even minute, I just wasn't happy with who I was at all. But randomly one Saturday night I decided enough was enough, I was just gonna head out and make myself have a good night. So endless amounts of cider later me and my friends left the flats and headed out to the local bars where even more was consumed.
Now I have a dirty addiction. Smoking. Yes I realise how bad it is for me, yes I know how dirty it looks. But oh my, I do love it and I'm not giving it up anytime soon if I can help it! Now being the dirty smoker that I am I spent most of that night outside in the bar's smoking area, and well if it wasn't for my dirty smokers cough I would never have met Jamie. Along came my cough, and all of a sudden this very cute dark floppy haired guy sitting next to me turned into me, asked me if I was okay and if I wanted a drink and smiled at me this massive cheeky smile. I was besotted from that first glance.
From that night on me and Jamie texted each other constantly, met up a few times a day and well three days later he asked me to be his girlfriend. I have never smiled like I did that night or been as excited about the future. We decided to take things slowly and not to sleep together for a while. Things were perfect, until we seemed to hit a snag a few weeks down the line.
But unfortunately it all ended as quickly as it started. He cheated on me and left me for her. I was devastated to say the least, but i made sure i was gracious and remained the better person, keeping my dignity and not turning into a psychotic bitch at any stage.
We tried to remain friends for a while, but it didn't really work out which was a shame since we had always got on so well. I missed him for a long time, but now I've worked out i miss the security of a relationship and the affection more than the boy himself. After all who wants to be with a guy who cheats...

So 11 months on then (January - July)

Ok so I can admit to myself I had a bit of a problem with sleeping around and never quite committing to anything or anyone (or maybe never finding anyone willing to commit - its a bit of both to be honest.) But come New Years I had decided to make all this change, hoping to give myself some dignity and have self respect. And how was I going to do this? By making my New Years resolution be that I was not to have sex at all until I was in a relationship with someone I a) knew b) trusted c) had feelings for and last of all d) not someone I had met on a night out. So New Years came about, its one of the best ones I've ever had, I went back to uni for it and me and my friends got plastered. I would say I drank the majority of a bottle if SoCo and a full bottle of Cinzano and god I was pretty much gone. Midnight came and went and we were out in the club dancing away to motley crue with my friends and theirs, and well that's when I met Sam, my mate Sy's friend from home. All I did was drunkenly introduce myself to him on the dance floor after I caught him staring at my chest (not the best of ways to meet someone I admit) but hey ho, the next song came about and everyone was dancing in a circle with their arms around each other, when suddenly i found Sam next to me. eventually the song finished and everyone broke off the circle, I took one step back, Sam turned to look at me, smiled and then all of a sudden his tongue was halfway down my throat. Seconds later I was against the wall perched on the ledge with him between my thighs, minutes later we were back at my flat with him well and truly between my legs. My poor resolution was broken then and there about an hour and 45 into the New Year, ashamed of myself is one word but blimey the sex was utterly mid blowing! That boy knew how to move his hips! He said my favourite thing I've ever heard a man say: "how many times have you come yet?" (me: "err three times I think") "sweet, lets see if I can give ya a few more." There were also some horrifically cheesy lines uttered on his part, which to be honest are far far to cringing to ever write down! But as per usual it was nothing more than a one night stand. And well life carried on and the resolution was put back into place.
Guess what I didn't have sex, or meet any guys for months. It wasn't until March I think that I even kissed another guy. Not until the night I met Jamie. Jamie needs his own post since he did eventually become my boyfriend for a short while. But things with him finished as quickly as they started and I was single once again. Plus I also still hadn't had sex since New Years, but that I gave up since I was devastated from my break up and sex seemed the perfect way to try and heal a broken heart.... how wrong I was.
Between April and June I had three one night stands. first was with Jonny again just before the royal wedding. The second was with a friend, a beautiful James Dean wannabe called Adam who was far too full of himself and too much like Jonny for my liking.... but he was pretty. All tall, manly, covered in tattoos and so funny. I haven't even heard or seen from him since.
My last was Dave, a stranger, a boy in a bar. A beautiful, quite romantic (strangely), caring and brilliantly incredibly amazing shag which I never expected. I have very little to say about Dave since I barely knew him, but what I do know is that his Sean Connery impressions are completely irritating so much so I had to kiss him to make him stop. Cute, tall, dark haired, confused and cautious. Never saw him again which was a shame, but trust me when I go back to uni in September I'll be keeping my eye out for him.

So here I am now having almost fully filled you in on my year, still single, still waiting, still hoping.

So 11 months on then (September - December)

Well these last 11 months have been mad, especially where lads have been concerned. Not going to lie I took full advantage of my first year of university as a single girl and I definitely sampled the water if you know what I mean! So I thought I'd fill you all in, but in two parts, firstly because its a lot of information for someone to take in all at once and secondly well, I'm trying to remind myself of what has even happened. So here you go here's September through to December:

So to start, 3 weeks into being at uni in September I slept with a beautiful rugged young man called Hunter who unfortunately turned out to have a girlfriend who he had forgotten in his drunken state, but bless him he was so upset about possibly hurting her if she was to ever find out. Our friendship really suffered after that unsurprisingly, but i did get to meet the girlfriend who turned out to be completely my sort of person and absolutely lovely. oh dear, oh well, life goes on.
A few days later (ok I know its a little slutty but I'm young and I'm not proud of it) I slept with another boy Jake. Totally different from any guy I'd ever met before, this guy was completely crazy. Which all in all just led to amazing sex. He was definitely the best I've ever had! We continued to sleep with each other unexclusively for the next few months until just before the Christmas break where he found himself a new girlfriend. Not gunna lie I was slightly gutted, I always had a lot stronger feelings for him than I ever admitted, but in the few attempts we had at making ourselves more of an item it never worked: I wanted a boyfriend, someone to care for and spend time with. He wanted someone to drink and have sex with. Was a shame but we've remained really good friends to this day.
Now I couldn't re-tell the story of my first year without mentioning Floppy. Floppy bless him, turned out to have issues: trust issues, extreme anger issues, even erectile issues. Hence the unfortunate nickname floppy. We were getting together, then we weren't, then we were and so on and so forth. Floppy was a handsome handsome guy, who when it came to his time to shine in the bedroom, completely flopped and reacted in a way I wasn't expecting, he just laughed it off kissed me and apologised. But days later became irate, angry and to be honest a bit of a bitch. The two of us ended up exchanging harsh words and neither has spoken to the other since,which is a shame... oh wait maybe not he was a nutter after all.
When I returned home at Christmas I once again slept with the utter arse Jonny who has now been previously mentioned twice within this blog. He is after all my safety shag who I return to when there is no one else on the scene, when I just need my mindless fun as I try to forget that I ever had feeling for the boy. We have a horrible cycle we have now been going through for almost 2 years now, I'll explain it another day.

An apology and a return

Ok, so since I've been away to uni I've been utterly crap at writing this blog, disastrous even. I haven't done one single post in about 11 months and I'm sorry. I'm one of those people who become obsessed with something for a short while and the the novelty wears off. But from now on (I'm setting myself a mid year resolution) I'm gunna keep this up and not get bored of my own thoughts. I need to learn how to run a project right through to the end and not just give up when things don't go my way or aren't as exciting as they used to be.
So here I go, I'm throwing myself headfirst back into the blogging world. God help us all...

I need help. Please I need advice, I am actually begging for it, I haven't been so hideously confused in so so long. So please anyone reading this who gathers any opinion on what I'm about to write please please let me know it, everyones opinion or advice will be so appreciated.

You may remember Jonny from one of my previous posts, how I never got over him despite how badly he would treat me. Before I went away to Ireland I was completely 100% crazy about him, I was doing everything to make him properly notice me, everything I wore, every action and move I made was to please him. Not good. For the first time ever I admitted it to one of my best friends Ria how I truly felt about him. How I was really in love with him and how I'd do anything to get him back.

Whilst I was away, apparently the two of them got together whilst I was away. I found out through a passing comment at a friends house about them breaking up as a couple. My head was spinning when I first heard, my heart was throbbing heavily. All my thoughts were racing through my head, all my thoughts about how I felt about him, how she was the only one I confided in about anything and everything. I felt betrayed, almost heartbroken, as if I was about to cry, then I realised I didn't care. At all. All my thoughts just calmed down and stopped and it came to a halt, he was never my boyfriend he didn't care for me enough to make me his, but he clearly did care enough for her. What right did I have to be upset, he never ever loved me or cared for me. I was fine with all this however, I spent the entire next day with Ria, nervous whether she'd bring him up. After all me and Jonny were on and off for over 6 months, should my friends really get with boys I had been sleeping with and had feelings for? But she never mentioned anything at all. So I never mentioned anything and put it away to the back of my mind, forgetting everything about him, hoping I would never see him before I go to uni next week. However, I have to see him tomorrow, at a leaving party. HELP!

However, whilst discussing the situation with another close friend Hattie she was confused as to why I wasn't horribly upset about everything, saying that I do have the right to be upset and confused.

So my questions to you are:

• Would you be upset if this happened to you?
• Do I have the right to be annoyed despite the fact he was never my boyfriend?
• How would you deal with seeing the boy again?

Tall, dark, hansom... liar.

I wrote this whilst away. I'm trying to whack out all my prepared blogs to bring myself back up to speed. I'll sort myself out eventually. I finished writing this which in Shannon airport, it definitely relieved the insane boredom of waiting for my flight home.


Tall, very tall, dark and hansom. That was my first impression of Ray.I met him in a club. Not my normal meeting place I assure you, but hey I wouldn't complain when the boys look as beautiful as he did. He was well built, muscley and beautiful big brown eyes and short thick dark hair. I like height in a boy being so tall myself, I swear I've had a growth spurt over the last week, I think I'm around 5'9 now. I really want to stop growing. Being so tall and big myself I like tall boys, they make me feel girlie and small, pretty and petite. It also means they'll have bigger feet too. Which hopefully means a bigger "lad" as well,which for me is important! I'm the sort of girl who knows from experience that she needs a bigger dick to get her off, especially if it's missionary we're doing that's for certain. Not that it means that well endowed lads are better in bed. That's definitely not a combo deal unfortunately. How I'd love it to be though, it would make life that much more.. satisfying.

Ray was a flirt in a good way, he refused to tell me his name at first when we were texting each other, he made me play kinky games to get what I wanted. Lots of fun. He kept telling me that he was falling me but didn't want to rush anything, but wanted us to start "seeing" each other. God I hate that phrase "seeing" what on earth does that mean, are you together? Are you not? Are you allowed to get jealous? Are you exclusive? Are you not? Are you allowed to flirt/kiss other people? Does anyone know the actual rules for it?

Well we began seeing each other and one night met up in a hotel room for our first (and sadly to be the last) time sleeping together. It was utterly amazing.

Pushing me onto the hotel bed he began to tug at my dress, pulling it off with such force, dying to get at flesh, to get what he wanted. Standing up he tore off his clothes, yet never breaking eye contact. He lowered his boxers to reveal a throbbing, full hard dick. I have never been more turned on as I was when he pulled me down to the end of the bed, ran his fingers through my hair, down my face to my lips, letting his figers linger over my bottom lip as I began to nibble at his fingertips. His hands began making their way down my body, slowing down as they reached my breasts, fondling my nipples. He brought his head down to them softly biting the flesh grabbing them with his other hand. Then the real fun began. I have never ever ever ever ever ever had sex like I did whilst with Ray. It was hard, rough, but utterly romantic. No one had ever made me feel as amazing or beautiful as he did when lying beside me.

However, two hours later after I had left to go to college he sent me a text saying how amazing the night had been, how he couldn't wait to see me again. BUT he had got a text from his ex gf, asking to meet up, he told me he still loved her and wanted to get back together with her and telling me he'd let me know later what was happening. I told him just to let me know where I stood. I got a horrible reply of "What!? You don't stand anywhere! What made you think you did? So what I lied to you, it was only supposed to be sex, well in my eyes anyway, you're fun but I'd only want you FOR fun". He then rang me the next day feeling guilty to confess to me that he had never broken up with his girlfriend, but actually just wanted to sleep with whilst he was arguing with his girlfriend and she hadn't been sleeping with him.
No lie. I was devastated. I still am when I think about him. He was lovely, but it was all a lie.

Almost like the real thing.

Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot. Irish boys.
Last Sunday I was drunk. He was drunk. He was hot. I was 100% horny. Man he could kiss.
No kiss I have had has been as amazing as that was the other night. I was left alone the other night in Athenry, one cute very drunk lad kept looking out for me making I was ok, since I knew no one except from the one girl.
Tom's a doppelgänger for Finn out of Glee (I'm a lil bit of a gleek, not a full one though) so when he came towards me with a look of pure lust in his eyes, pushing me against a shop window, I was more than happy to oblige and give in to the ever growing horniness in me.
God I love Ireland and cute lads who take the mickey outta my accent. Maybe I should just stay. Shame I never saw him again.

Plus my relatives tried to set me up with a nephew of a friend. Before the poor lad walked into the room they were teasing me senseless about him and my lack of relationships, so when he walked in I went bright red at the sight of such a cute lad and couldn't even get my words out.
I'm so suave its unreal. ha-ha.

Bring on the rest of the summer.